About anything > Random funny 

Alan Partidge quotes:

I suppose the only humane way to kill a bird of prey, is death by firing squad.

i was reading the book of Genesis the other day...that bloody snake....rrrrrr.

i think id be more preoccupied with the fact that i was encountering a talking snake. i think whether i wanted an apple or not would be a side issue

If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there’s a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife, who’s also your brother!

Ahhh......Don't know what you're talking about....

sorry, we’ve only got one chair, the other one … burnt down…

"Are you a raver?"

"No, I'm Straight"

Smell my cheese you mother!

Let's just call the whole thing a thoroughly nice chap and (in South African accent) it doesn't matter what race he is!

Dan asked me what type of phone I have and I told him a motorola time port, then he said "thats saaaaaaad, you want to upgrade", then I said "so do you, to a new face!" he nearly soiled himself! he said he laughed so much that he had kenco coming out of his nostrils! which made me laugh, but my nostrils were clear.... you can drown in a cup of coffee...

Then Sonya and I took our tops off and had a cuddle... ...doesn't get much better than that

"alan i love you!"

"thanks a lot!"

If my mobiles switched off its for a reason. I was at an owl sanctury, I was worried that one of the birds would mistake my phone for a mating call. Cant have a bird trying to have sex with my phone.

D'ya wanna cup o' beans like?

"fine alan, but you'll be negotiating with yourself"
"so be it"

'Hi chris, wanna come to my BBQ.
I'd love to, can i bring my guitar?
I'd rather you didn't, its not that sort of event.Do you like mini kievs?
I love 'em but my wifes a vegetarian
That's ok she can have fish
No she wont eat that either
Oh forget it.........you people!'

Jill, what do you think about the pedestrianization of Norwich city centre?

To eat chocolate from a bowl is ok, to spread it on someone is just demented

Alan: Just a couple of jokes?
Pete: No, Alan, you can't
Alan: Well, theres no need for that!

I just stayed in and watched a documentary on quicksand.

Sorry about the smell of urine...there really is nothing to do around here.

Lyne i've pirced my foot on a spiiiiike..

"Well, now you've got Norfolk's maddest man"

Alan: 'But, but, no with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows, sort of like a bow tie, but miniture, sort of like an action man bow tie'

'Parpalie'

Alan: 'Yeah, that. That with um, action man bow tie'

"I can read you like a book. And not a very good book. Certainly not ‘Bravo Two Zero’ by Andy McNabb. Which actually improves with every read."

Don't smile you've broken your neck!

with respect, if you hang around with criminals, yer gonna get lied to

Susan, can you make pornography come on my television please

Now relax..............
dont fall asleep and slip under, theres some terrible statistics about that

"The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!"

michael: "Alan what are you doing?"

Alan: "oh, im just destroying some cerial boxes"

M: "Best watch out man, people will be calling you a cerial killer"

Alan: And this is Michael, he's in charge of our internet...computer.

M: Aye, there's nee porn on it!

Idea for programme: Jet from Gladiators to host Millenium barn dance at Yeovil Aerodrome.

I’m going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally, I’m on the ring road. Third time round. I’ve just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use ‘em. Never gonna use ‘em. Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn.

Dere's more to Oireland, dan dis.

Dan! (x27)

What would you call strictly come dancing in Guatanamo Bay?

Verrry Strictly Come Dancing.

Alan Carr

why so much write)))

"The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!"

:D