About anything > funnnnnyyyyy 

:laugh:

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

Grandpa is walking his little niece for some fresh air in the park, suddenly the girl see two dogs are matting and ask grandpa: "Look grandpa, what are the dogs doing?"
Grandpa tries his best to answer the little girl nasty question:" You see my little angel, Sammy hurt his foot, so Sissy has to carry him on her back....."

(:

:laugh:

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children. A blind man joins them after a few mins. When the bus arrives, they find it overload and only wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on sidewalk during walking. and says to him "why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber at the end of YOUR STICK, we'd be riding the bus.So shut the heck up!".

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.I stood there for a moment, then turned and made beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

I had passed THE WEDDING TEST. I was a very happy person....

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!!

He's 80, She's 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing, How do you do it?" He again said: "You've got the keep the Old motor running".

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!! you certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil.

This one's black"

:laugh:

ROFLOL

:laugh: awesome man

lol... i know some
X-mas ave santa goes down the chimeny. In the bed a beautifull, young,hot bimbo  sleeping in the bed naked.
Santa's mind:"what should i do ? if i  DO IT i won't be able to go to Heaven. If i DON'T DO IT how the hell am i gonna get up the chimeny?"

:laugh: LOL :P

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning.

I Went Downstairs For Breakfast, Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me. As It Turned Out, She Barely Said "good Morning," Let Alone "happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary, Jane, Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" I Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.

I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day, And It's Your Birthday. Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."

I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Hear D All Day. Let's Go!"

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.

On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

"ok," I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens
Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".

And I Just Sat There...

On The Couch...

Naked.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says:

"We only have one rule here in heaven .. "DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says :

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day..
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter ... who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks ... But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says :
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" Blushing

The guy says :
"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The judge says to a double-murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "Why, you bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

I got one

3 Guys die and all go to heaven and are at the gate to heaven the gate guard say " right i'm sorry but there are only 2 places left in heaven" the 3 guys said "oh" and the guard replyed "ok tell me how you died and i see if that will let you in heaven"

So the first guys says "Well i had a very bad day and just wanted to go home and she my wife and spend there rest of the day with her. As i got home i walked in the house and new there was something wrong,I walked into my bed room and found my wife with a guys on the bed (doing you know what) i got really angry and the guy ran and the floor was wet and slip out and the very large stupid window we have and fell to the ground and lived. So i went to the kitchen and got the fridge and as i went to thowe it out the window i slip and knocked myself out and die.

And the guard says "wow i feel sorry for you,you can go in ok next guy"

And the second guy explains what happened " well i was with the girl and after a nice day we were at her place in her bedroom (doing you know what) and out of know where this guy walks in looked really angry and i ran for my life but slip on the wet floor and fell out the stupid large window that was there but lived. But as i looked up this fidge landed on me and killed me.

The guard was shocked and said "god you may go in heaven and know you the final guy"

And the last guy which couldn't get in couse the 2 places were taken said "WELL I WAS IN THE FIDGE!".

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate
point in the process she told him that he would now need to enter a
password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather
humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this
to the wife's attention, so when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying
in.

                          " P....E....N....I....S "

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied

*****        PASSWORD REJECTED ,     NOT LONG ENOUGH*****

: Adolf Hitler walks into a bar and sits down in a stool, The bartender walks up and says, "Holy shit you're Adolf Hitler, where the hell have you been?

Adolf Hitler Says "I've just been in hiding for the past 70 years or so."

The bartender says, "Oh, so what do you plan on doing with the rest of your life now that you're out of hiding?"

Hitler says, "I plan on killing a million more jews and a parrot."

The bartender gives him a weird look and says," What, why the hell are you going to kill a parrot?"

Hitler responds back, "See, I told you nobody cares about the jews!