About anything > The Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord 

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post
it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set
your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged
wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.
With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed not kept anonymously imprisoned in a
forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the
River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object, which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this
is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say, "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish
spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a
large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead
trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of
riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will
be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not
left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely
unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it
would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged
countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too
easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to
some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage
Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field
bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the
heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of
the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that,
death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely
indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive
who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels
and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not
accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be
preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will
provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am.
Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale
is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved
for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a
disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are
important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's
my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them
killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I
seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as
often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as
often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute
little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is
attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend
to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For
example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply, "This,"
and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth
instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the
control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to
seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with
standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell,
I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any
secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will
say, "Oh well," and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like
being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However
before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is
anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized
target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks
the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have
a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use
for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that
nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive
habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex
will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber.
The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a
sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance
camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages
others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd
better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will
be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate
an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a
crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a
conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it
is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily
understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while
members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him
over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river
of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted
lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before
making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him
alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be
melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with
progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off
and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out
what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy,
dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will
order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on
the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along
the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above
them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the
same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard
because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal
grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance
has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of
quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this
regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to
it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely
sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner
becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team
instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and
blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be
unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy
and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will
and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions
when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free
unlimited Internet access.
101.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
102.I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my
other enemies wouldn't believe it.
103.I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
104.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be
required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
105.I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he
is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
106.If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape
pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt
this.
107.Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a
fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
108.Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up
his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
109.I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall
REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing
ever comes along.
110.I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is
sprung.
111.I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
112.I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous
talismans.
113.I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors
definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
114.I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
115.I will not engage enemies single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
116.If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on
duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
117.No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
118.If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone
could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
119.I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally
killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
120.Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons
will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

the rest later:)

what the hack is that?=)

haha... fun read! respect!

omg... no way I'll read all that stuff -_-