About anything > NEW,FRESH JOKES EVERYDAY! 

A good secreteary must know three commands: Lie down, stand up and fax
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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees
them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's
husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
Father - "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

A man from the city has come into the deep forest for hunting. He wanders in the wilderness and suddenly alas! a heavy paw on his shoulder. The men slowly turns arround and sees a huge grizzly bear. "Hey, man, you can choose: I kill you or I have sex with you. Ha?" the bear says. The man decides to stay alive. After the painful execution the man returns to the city and buys a riffle. He comes back to the same forest desiring to punish the bear. Many hours he search for the bear but still can't find. And suddenly he feels the heavy paw on his shoulder. He slowly turns arround and sees the same bear. "The same proposal man: choose between daeth and sex with me". And of course, the man chooses life. Angry and upset man returns to the city and rents a range rover with machine gun. Now he decides to terminate the bear. Many hours the man drives through wilderness in armoured rover but see no trace of bear. He stops the car and gets out. And Boo! the heavy paw on his shoulder. The man slowly turns arround and sees the bear smiling. "Listen, man, I didn't get - are you a hunter or a gay?"

Ha-ha... Dark in here, aint it? :)

always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Psychologist: "So you say you suffer of sexual perversions?"
Client: "No doctor, I enjoy them"
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A catholic missionair meets a lion in African sawana. The scared man falls on his knees looks up and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless your faithful servant..." The lion gets on its knees and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless my moderate supper..."
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There are two types of pedestrian: swift and dead
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Jesus has changed your life. Do you want to save? (yes/ no/ cancel)
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Doctor: "Nurse, amputate patient's left leg! "
champ
"I said left one!"
champ
"I said leg!"
champ
"I said patient's!"

Vinnie the Pooh has fallen asleep for a winter. And like other bears he sucks his paw while sleeping. And naughty Piggie uses it for his own benefits.
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The grand hotel is on fire. Everybody is rushing arround and screaming: "Water! Water!" Suddenly one door opens and drunken voice shouts: "And champagne to the room #113!"
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Jesus comes to his apostles and sees that all they are drunken, dancing on tables. "What are you celebrating", Jesus askes them. Saint Peter: "Nobody knows. Judas has sold something so we celebrate."

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

HI. I BACK. I WAS http://newcapital.combats.com/inf.pl?login=ozone_hole ,BUT I BACK! I WILL ADD NEW JOKES FOR EVERYDAY!  SMILE PEOPLE!

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip

Johnnie's mummy is cooking in the kitchen and listens how her son talks playing with toy locomotive:
"Now basters who just have arrived, get f*** out of the f*** carriage and p*** off from the station. And you faggots, hurry up if you don't wanna miss that sh***y train!
Terryfied mother runs into Johnnie's room. "You can't use such words in THIS house. Now you must be punished. Go to the dark room stay there for two hours and think of your behaviour".
Two hours later Johnny enters the kitchen. "Two hours have already past, so may I play again?". "Ok" allows mother.
Johnny starts playing again and his mother hears his such words:
"Arriving passengers, please leave the carriage orderly, don't forget your luggage. We hope you enjoyed the jorney. Departing passangers, please enter the carriage, put your luggage in proper places, take seats. And if there are some pi***d  persons for delayed departure for two hours, you can ask for explanationts of that bitch in the kitchen

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

up

A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the Thames.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young
sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,
you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would
give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to
America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry"

:D